A theme increasingly common in sex-related discussions between parents and children is homosexuality. The fact that many parents choose not really to talk about these issues does not mean they do not exist. We are all sexual beings and many children discover their sexuality at a young age; some of them seem to have same-sex inclinations.
In fact, this scenario is almost unbearable by many parents. Questions like the following may grind to a parent’s soul: Will my son be gay? Will he have a normal life? Will he engage with suspicious people? Will he contact a deadly disease? What happens if my son/daughter will want to change their sex? Will they regret the choice they’ve made? Will they be emotionally or physically prosecuted?
Unfortunately, in many cases, parents prefer not to accept the alternative that they could live such an experience and face a discussion about sexual orientation with their children.
But life can meet parents with such scenario that the mind just cannot conceive and not ready for any response, feelings, emotions, or to give an answer on how to continue the relationship with the child “differently”.
In such a situation, both parties can get injured: the child who feels rejected, misunderstood, unloved, marginalized and alone, and the parent who can neither accept nor understand why life was so cruel and unfair. Sometimes the parents feel that they just can not love child anymore and don’t know how to continue the relationship with the child.
To anticipate a possible different sexual orientation in your child, it is crucial and fundamentally important to have discussions about sex and sexuality, to get to know your child from this point of view. You, as a parent, have the responsibility to inform your child so they won’t learn from other unreliable sources such as mass-media or suspicious persons.
The following lines are addressed to any parent who is concerned or worried that this scenario could turn real or to curious parents whose children have already made the coming out.
– Nothing is more poisoning for you and for your child than denying and avoiding the reality.
– No matter how hard it is to open up the topic with your child, you have to do. Rather than shut up, better say anything. The child does not care so much if you understand 100% what they live, but they desperately need to reassure that you trully love them, unconditionally. This can be tough at first, especially for parents with narrow views. But remember, God calls us to love even when we do not understand the other. Your child is still your child, and your have to reaffirm the love you bear for him or her. It does not mean that you support or accept how they choose to live their life, it refers to any aspect of it, not particularly the sexual orientation.
– Your child is more terrified than you about these conversations and the evolution of the relationship with you. There are two things that you, as a parent, are required to consider: to love your child and be there for them when they need you. The only ingredients you have available are your wisdom, your grace, and love. Your child is still prepared for the worst: that you are going to evict him or that your love for him will suddenly fade away.
– You should also know that many gay or lesbian teenagers already have a clear picture of their sexual orientation when they decide to talk to parents. For them, it is a reality of their lives to be attracted to same-sex persons and, if there is reciprocity, they won’t set aback from going for a sexual intercourse. Almost every child expects a less violent reaction from the parent when the first conversation takes place, not taking into account that, while the topic is not new for them, for you, the parent, it is breaking news, and you are maybe completely unprepared to face it.
– Tell your child that you need time to process information and to digest the reality. Be honest, but try to have a positive approach. Do not resort to questions or hold lessons and do not accuse the child of something worse.
– Save time without saying words that you will later regret. You can not get back and better begin your research on homosexuality. Counsel with other on how you can handle this situation such as the family or by talking with a close friend if you’re a single parent.
– When you start talking with your child at a deeper level, you can ask questions, but must expect for answers you are maybe unprepared to hear yet. You must be open minded and certain that your answers are consistent with the child’s mindset and life perspectives.
– If the child might chose not to be gay or lesbian, they would do it! Chances are very high they have already tried it without odds. You’ll get nothing by forcing your child just to say it. This is the beginning of a stodgy, long-time adventure. The child needs your compassion and your understanding.
How to take care of you during this process
While you started to process the information and got over the first shock, it is statistically demonstrated that your heart might begin to suffer intensely. It is paramount that you get out of this challenge without damaging the relationship with your child, and protecting you mentally and physically.
First of all, do not blame yourself. Almost all parents believe it is their fault that they have a gay or lesbian child. Homosexuality is a matter of a profound and complex human connection between mind, body, and soul. If you start blaming on you, not only will you complicate this terrible experience but the child will feel guilty for making the coming out to you.
Secondly, if you are a person for whom faith is important, do not give up your faith in God. He has not abandoned neither you nor your child. For whatever happens, God gives love and forgiveness and is that we must learn from Him.
Third, make sure you suffer for you in a healthy way. It’s OK to get angry and cry for as long as you want. Going through a process of suffering is something healthy because, let’s be honest, no parent can imagine their children one day to confess that they are gay or lesbian. In your pain and grieve, you have to acknowledge that you will maybe never see the child growing his own biological children. However, this is just a hypothetical assessment. Each parent goes through its process of guilt, shame, anger, loss, and acceptance, according to their limit. Do not force your partner to go through at the same pace as you, although it’s good to make sure that manage the emotions in a healthy way. If you trust your friends or a priest to confess to, do it. You maybe can not go through these steps alone. The child needs support, as well as you. It is very important to find the right people to talk either directly or through the mail, phone, social media, messenger, etc. The more you keep the thoughts inside you, the harder it is for everyone.
Fourth, make sure you evaluate your expectations. Pay attention: going through psychological counselling not always works as expected. Yes, it is okay to call on psychologists to improve the relationship between you and your child, but not to try convincing a child to change the sexual orientation. This can be both useless and painful; studies have shown. All that you can expect to work is that your child’s relationship with someone of the same sex to be carried out based on faith, spiritual growth, generosity, and compassion in helping others in need. The focus of their relationship does not fall solely on the sexual behavior but also on what they have to offer to other people in this life.
The more pray to God to help you pass over this challenge and to guide you, the more easily you can get out of the trap of devastating feelings that suffocate you. Do not lose the hope, do not stop to love your child, do not turn your back. Take as much time as you need for this life challenge and one day you will maybe fully accommodate the situation.
